You may be able to recognize a gender difference in the two responses when I ask my son and daughter the same question:
Question: How was school today?
Son’s Answer: Fine.
Daughter’s Answer: WELL, it all began when I decided to have a granola bar for breakfast….{insert 10 minutes of continued subjective monologue, focusing on friends and lunch, very little detail provided on matters of academia.}
Consider the fact that when I return from a “weekend with the girls” — I have lost my voice from so much “catching up.” And when my husband opts for a weekend away with “the guys” he readily admits there has been plenty of blissful silence punctuated only by an occasional observation about football.
So, it’s pretty well documented that men and women communicate very, very differently. My recent reading on this topic offered terrific insight into how men view and communicate about the world, which I confess I find enormously helpful while trying to navigate the daily, mundane communications within my marriage. But that is a blog post for a marriage counselor or some other qualified therapist. Actually, no therapy needed — just read the first few pages of You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by communications guru Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., and you’ll recognize many of the situations she references. (And chances are you will feel a whole lot better about your relationships.)
Dr. Tannen wrote a follow-up book called Talking from 9 to 5: How Women’s and Men’s Conversation Styles Affect Who Gets Heard, Who Gets Credit, and What Gets Done at Work. Tannen recognizes that individuals “do not always fit the pattern associated with their gender”. However, she makes the case that “women or men learn to speak particular ways because those ways are associated with their own gender.” The book explores business situations and “conversation rituals” such as frequently apologizing or saying “thank you” unnecessarily, often associated with females and rarely observed in males. These differences in communications among the genders and the reasons behind them are explored in detail and are fascinating.
A lively debate
I found a discussion of what cultural linguist Walter Ong calls “agonism,” or debated topics/discussions of differing views, to be especially relevant in business. With more than 20 years of experience providing marketing services (a very subjective, “idea-based” field) I have consciously tried to generate a “thick skin” and “professional” response to negative feedback. I have observed colleagues that handle constructive criticism very well, and possess a great deal of respect for the writers, managers, and artists who take this part of the job all in stride, with no emotion. It’s just business. Tannen writes:
“…many people expect the discussion of ideas to be a ritual fight—that is, explored through verbal opposition. When presenting their own ideas, they state them in the most certain and absolute form they can and wait to see if they are challenged. Their thinking is that if there are weaknesses, someone will point them out, and by trying to argue against those objections, they will find out how their ideas hold up.”
The author later notes that “fewer women than men engage in ritual oppositions, and many women do not like it.” Many women feel they are being “attacked” when their ideas are challenged, and as Tannen explains, emotions begin to compromise job performance. Many women perform better in a supportive (vs. oppositional) environment. But recognition of this fact can help women feel more comfortable in an oppositional discussion — and thus generate a comfort level and better performance.
Tannen’s books are loaded with relatable anecdotes, both personal and professional, that are easily recognized by both sexes — but not fully understood by either. I found understanding the roots and basis for these gender communications rituals very helpful — though highly detailed. But there are a number of websites that summarize the differences and successful approaches, particularly for the business environment:
Gender Communication Differences and Strategies
by Simma Lieberman http://superperformance.com/gendercommunication.html
Excerpt on Communication in Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_differences#Communication
The bottom line is — both women and men can benefit greatly from learning about the why’s and how’s of our communication style differences.
